ZHOU YU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by super sailor vegeta-sei
Summary: You've always had your eye on one, but isn't it about time that you buy the handsome, legendary hero of the Battle of Chi Bi? Not to worry this guild has everything you need to know about ZHOU YU units. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


Now on the market is a LU BU unit, a SUN CE unit, and a ZHAO YUN unit. I like them all! But where are the others of Dynasty Warriors units there must be more, right? I demand a LU XUN, GAN NING, JIANG WEI, ZHANG HE, ZHUGE LIANG, CAO PI, GUAN YU, ZHEN JI, and ZHOU YU. Correct. In this guild you be will introduced to a ZHOU YU unit the newest of the Dynasty Warriors collection.

A/N I'm writing this guild without the permission of the previous authors, since a lot of people are writing these types of fanfiction. I just can't find Theresa Green's profile. If anyone knows tell me.

**Congratulations **

You are now the proud owner of the new ZHOU YU unit. We are happy that you made the choice to do business with us, a great reliable company that's been making units for a day. To insure that our smart, handsome, tactician lives a happy, loud, obnoxious, loved filled, planing life, please operate him according to the instructions of this guild.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Family-Zhou, Given name-Yu, style name-Gōngjǐn

Aliases: Zhou the fair, pretty boy, The Handsome Zhou Yu

Type: Pretty boy Wu stagiest #1

Manufacturer: KOEI Omega Force, Dynasty Warriors edition, Brainy pretty boys collection #1

Date of Manufacture Circa 175 AD

Default age: 25

Place if Manufacture: Lujiang District

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 150ish like he's thin

Length: Shorter than ZHAO YUN and LU BU unit

**Accessories**

One Beautiful white and red embroidered robes

A pair of white pants embroidered with flowers

One pretty red headband, gotta keep the hair out of pretty boy's handsome face

One pretty long blue belt

A pair of black boots

One badass ancient sword that is less cool than GAN NING's

Three hair brushes

**Installation**

ZHOU YU normally comes out of the crate just by opening it, but if he doesn't just say a SUN CE unit is here, or even a XIAO QIAO unit. But what ever you do don't give him these units for companionship. If he doesn't respond to the above, I recommend that you say that a ZHUGE LIANG unit killed everyone in Wu and is looking for him. If you did above and fail, the ZHOU YU unit died of reopened arrow wounds, and needs to be sent back for a full refund, and or exchange. Warning: ZHUGE LIANG and ZHOU YU should never confront, because they will cause a great war, which one of them will die.

**Uses**

Tutor- Having trouble with your studies at school? ZHOU YU is perfect for being a tutor, after all anyone would have an IQ of 75 by being a stagiest of Wu fighting Wei, ruled by a mad cow. ZHOU YU teaches shouting, killing cows, nasty girly singing, plotting against your enemy, gibberish, and looking like a hot man chick. Things for the artistic that he teaches include: poetry,music, and drama. He doesn't teach advanced honors nuclear physics, extreme underwater basket weaving, drunk driving, crappy modern literature written by monkeys, how to defeat a LU BU unit, and broken foreign languages, but that's like all the knowledge to humanity that he doesn't know. Plus it looks great on college applications. College is easier, because they put you in special ed classes. They might even done that in high school. If you are in special ed classes, no one wants to be your friend, thus being unpopular, and as a result nobody will steal your prized ZHOU YU unit out of jealously. Also who won't want a hot man tutor.

Stagiest- We don't need one in modern times, but think again. Having trouble with the latest Final Fantasy, Dynasty Warriors, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Halo, World of Warcraft, or another game? ZHOU YU can make a perfect stagiest that can defeat that difficult boss.

Planer- Don't have enough hours in your lusty fangirl life? Think again. ZHOU YU plans out every single second of your day. He's so great that he cuts out all the unnecessary stuff., so that you can have more hormonal fangirl lustings over polygons, dead Chinese men, drawings, flesh, words, pictures on the computer, and the list goes on. Whenever you slack, ZHOU YU will annoy you with his loud, obnoxious voice (worse than hyper RIKKU units) , and he doesn't shut his pretty face, until you get back to work. Remember that science project that is due tomorrow, and you need to finish, but you only have twelve hours left. No need for coffee! A ZHOU YU unit will keep you up all night with his shouting.

Bodyguard- ZHOU YU isn't as strong as LU BU, nor ZHAO YUN, but with strength training he could be a descent bodyguard.

Model- Hot hot hot!! Is something on fire? I know it's ZHOU YU units body. With a perfect 10 body he'll become the next cover boy for Dynasty Warriors 6, beat that ZHAO YUN and LU BU units, yaoi porn crap, Abercrombie and Finch model, commercials, but a lot of hard work, he could become the next ORLANDO BLOOM, or JOHNNY DEEP to play as some really hot warrior.

**Modes**

Annoying (default)

Cunning

Cruel

Cynical

Warrior (locked) How you unlock it, you take him to karate until he become a black belt. Make him join the army after step one. After he joins the army, he must become a general. The mode is now yours.

Genius (locked) How you can get it, you force him to get a master's degree in college, and graduate with honors. Note: He can major in anything.

Boyfriend (secret) If you want to get this mode, you must unlock genius and warrior mode, then make sure that ZHOU YU never ever meets a SUN CE unit, XIAO QIAO, or reads the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, and Dynasty Warriors fanfiction. Another forbidden fruit for this mode is if you have any Dynasty Warriors games THROW THEM AWAY!! Yes you heard me you can only play them at a friend's house. How you actually unlock this mode is before you get this unit, you must max out ZHOU YU on all your Dynasty Warriors games, then you throw away the games. After that you go easy on him a flirt. If he doesn't respond to your flirting reboot him, try again with some new techniques. Note: If you complete the above, you don't have to repeat it again when you reboot your unit.

Husband (Forbidden) No one has ever done this to a ZHOU YU unit, if you have e-mail me. First off you have to unlock warrior, genius, and boyfriend mode. You then must have 99X fairy wine, Kill a ZHUGE LIANG unit, and a SIMA YI unit, or any other tactician. Cut off a GUAN YU unit's beard as a trophy. Prove that a VINCENT VALENTINE unit is another version of a ZHOU YU unit. Get 101 in Final Fantasy X-2. You must make sure that Aeris doesn't get killed by Sephiroth, but when you complete the game with Aeris still in your party there is a secret movie. Learn perfect Mandarin Chinese. The last and final step of getting this mode is get a time machine, go back in time, go to Rome 44 BC make sure that JULIUS CAESAR doesn't get assassinated in the Roman senate. The second part of this is go into the near future and make sure that IPOD machines don't enslave the human race, once you done all this, ZHOU YU will ask for your hand in marriage. (Note: It's in ellipses so you won't read this biotches. Fat chance :P)

**Cleaning**

ZHOU YU units needs to be thrown in a bubble bath every single day, because this unit sex appeal will drop to an 8 without a daily bath. He needs his long black hair washed with Herbal Essence shampoo and only Herbal Essence. Make sure that ZHOU YU changes his clothes every day, and also make sure that he shaves every day. I highly recommend brushing is hair at least five times a day. Also make sure that he always wears red, but if he doesn't he'll think that he's from another kingdom and commit suicide.

**Lubrication**

He's Asian so there is no need, because he's so tiny. Unless you, yourself are small, or want it in the butt.

**Energy**

Baozis are his favorite food. He really likes wine, but give him green tea instead. If Baozis aren't available then give him some chicken fried rice, or other Chinese foods like egg rolls, dog, XIAHOU DUN's units famous eye dumplings, tofu, and mooncakes made by the HUANG YUEYING unit. Please don't tell ZHUGE LIANG unit about it.

**Interactions**

WTF why am I making this section. Why would I want to analyze his relationship with 42 people? This manual is long enough.

Wu Kingdom- Friends

Shu Kingdom- Enemy

Wei Kingdom- Enemy

Other kingdoms- Enemy

**Cautions**

Please keep ZHOU YU away from archers,archery ranges, bows,arrows, cross bows, and anything that can shot including a gun. If your ZHOU YU unit has mortal battle wounds please for the love of Mary mother of Jesus keep him in bed. This is how we lose about 90 of ZHOU YU units. The other percent were killed by ZHUGE LIANG units, and or fangirls. Another caution for this particular model are SUN CE units, they turn ZHOU YUs gay. His default wife unit Will cause him to leave you forever.A danger to you and those around you is a harbor full of boats. This will cause ZHOU YU to reminisce about the Battle of Chi Bi. He'll cause a major lost of lives, and a heavy penalty to the owner.

**FAQ**

Question: I tried to unlock warrior mode and it's been about 5 years and ZHOU YU is only a blue belt. I'll be old by the time that he unlocks warrior I need help.

Answer: Are you supporting ZHOU YU and encouraging him to do his very best? If the sensei is bad, hire Chuck Norris, and in no time ZHOU YU will be a killing machine.

Question: I took ZHOU YU to that new movie called Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon, but he talked through the whole entire movie about how inaccurate the movie portrayed him. He got mad whenever someone from SHU or WEI was on screen.

Answer: You are a flaming retard. What did this guild say to never expose a ZHOU YU unit to any fiction during the Three Kingdoms period, not even the novel. That movie made ZHAO YUN unit looks like rejected samurai robots. I would want to see the Battle of Red Cliff movie (Chi Bi), ZHOU YU is in that one too, so he can't watch it.

Question: I just love my ZHOU YU unit, but I recently took a hearing test, and it appears to be that I'm going deaf at age 20. Could my beloved ZHOU YU unit be causing all of it?

Answer: In a matter of fact, yes it's ZHOU YU who's causing you to go deaf. This unit is the loudest. A large percent of people with ZHOU YU units have hearing problems. If you don't like it, then I highly recommend you buy a ZHUGE LIANG, who has such a sweet voice of an angel, who is coming soon.

Question: I just unlocked the cunning mode, what things does he teach?

Answer: Battle tactics and sailing (it's a Wu thing).

Question: I tried so hard to get the husband mode, but failed. Is this some sort of sick joke?

Answer: Maybe, yes,no, I don't know.

Question: Can you please give me a walkthrough for husband mode?

Answer: No you are too stupid like ZHOU YU. You caught his stupidity :D

Question: Is ZHOU YU really stupid. I thought he was smart being a stagiest and all.

Answer: ZHOU YU is very smart, but still stupid compared to a ZHUGE LIANG unit.

Question: I unlocked cunning mode, but what things does ZHOU YU teach

Answer: Battle tactics,sailing (it's a Wu thing), and poetry. Maybe other things as well, but with genius mode he teaches you almost all the things that a ZHUGE LIANG unit's default mode does.

Question: Stop talking about ZHUGE LIANG. The dude has an ugly wife.

Answer: What? This section is for ZHOU YU questions only, get lost CAO CAO. This is the last question. ZHUGE LIANG is awesome so shut up. I won't say that he has an ugly wife to him unless you want a scythe in the face. XIAO QIAO units aren't as pretty as the novel portrays them.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Someone with a SUN CE unit moved next door ever since then ZHOU YU hasn't been playing attention to me.

Solution: You caught ZHOU YU's stupidity. How many times must I say to keep ZHOU YU away from ZHUGE LIANG, SUN CE, and XIAO QIAO. Please ask something intelligent. Before I muse again, just move away from the SUN CE unit.

Problem: My ZHOU YU unit is making strategies all day and night, because he believes that SUN QUAN will send him to the Middle East.

Solution: You are stupid. Please would you, the dumb person, stop asking questions. I said never expose him to any media whatsoever. In this guild I keep repeating myself. I already feel stupid having a ZHOU YU unit around no wounder why my grades dropped, no wait that was only in one subject. Tell -forget that- just lie to him and say that everyone you knew died. Problem solved.

Problem: I live in a port city where there are many sea faring vessels. Whenever he sees a boat he thinks it might be CAO CAO. He actually swam out there, and with chains he linked all the ships together. Then in his loud voice he called HUANG GAI to set everything on fire. The sad truth is that we got caught. I was the one responsible for it. Now I'm serving a long sentence for actions I didn't do. Why did my unit malfunction like that?

Answer: You must have forgotten the epic Battle of Chi Bi, the most famous battles of the Three Kingdoms era that inspired movies coming up next year. See these movies!! They have hot Asian men- specially the actor- no wait they are all hot. This is natural for ZHOU YU to do this, after all he was the hero of the Battle of Chi Bi.

**Warranty**

With proper care and maintenance, according to this manual, the ZHOU YU unit will lead a fulfilling, happy, productive life. The warranty on a ZHOU YU unit will be a lifetime warranty, because these particular units are frail, and don't last very long. However, the warranty will be void if arrow wounds cause death.

**A/N** Please review. I haven't written fanfiction in like forever. If you like Final Fantasy, then you would want to check out Who's My Daddy. I just started on a fourth chapter. I hope that my writing skills aren't that rusty, but I've been working on my novel project, full of errors and mistakes that I'll fix later.Right after this I'll begin work on Zhuge Liang. I'm going to have fun writing about him :)

Now on the market is a LU BU unit, a SUN CE unit, and a ZHAO YUN unit. I like them all! But where are the others of Dynasty Warriors units there must be more, right? I demand a LU XUN, GAN NING, JIANG WEI, ZHANG HE, ZHUGE LIANG, CAO PI, GUAN YU, ZHEN JI, and ZHOU YU. Correct. In this guild you be will introduced to a ZHOU YU unit the newest of the Dynasty Warriors collection.

A/N I'm writing this guild without the permission of the previous authors, since a lot of people are writing these types of fanfiction.


End file.
